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“ taxonomy has no place here. dump shit into boxes and give it only as much attention as you would a piece in a game of tetris

— Thusly:; Packing

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My Gramps died on Tuesday. He was ill and it was inevitable, but it is still an awkward lozenge to swallow. I am grateful that he was around as long as was, getting to see me through college, my wedding and my daughter, but there is part of me that feels robbed.

i wanted more time with him, more interactions with Hazel, more. I think he, in his passing, has shown me that I want more from myself, from my work and my life. Not simply more of it, but more in the way of being more better, more interesting and more exciting, more creative opportunities crammed into every day. I want more of a connection with my wife, my daughter, my parents, even my mother-in-law. I want more time with them to do more things, I want more from work, more meaning, more challenges, more collegial friendships. In thinking about my Gramps passing, I can say I want more heart-ache, a little more suffering and even more meaning from each.

I am tired of being merely a spectator to life. I cam done with watching mindless programming, consuming mindless media and having shallow interactions with large circles of “friends.”

I want to experience more beauty in more places and tell more people about it with more well-crafted stories and more awesomely composed photos. I want to ride my bike more and breath the fresh air. I want to play the guitar more and pat into my creative side. I want to love more, by doing things for and with those I love. I am going to miss Gramps more than I will let on, wanting more time with him and wanting to remember more from every remembered interaction and story.

I want to be more like him, a loving husband, a father generous with his time and patience, a fabulous story teller and lover of life. I want his passing not to be a date on my calendar, I want it to be more. I know that as I become a father and grandfather, I will remember my time with him: the summers, the celebrations, the intimate advice giving and the jokes; and know that he gave it all and would always give more.

I want to be more like that.